Buttered Toilet Paper, Anyone?

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Fruit bowl

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Coronavirus disease 2019 (COVID-19)

Does anyone else feel like this thing came out of nowhere? It must be the first time in my life when I’ve experience a real-life, freak the hell out and buy everything in the grocery store, pandemic. Of course, that’s not how I responded, because I’m a grown MAN. As a matter of fact I didn’t realize things were in the condition they’re in until last night. I went to a Super Target with my GF to pick up a couple of things, and there were no things to pick up. Well, mostly.

Here are the things on which people decided they needed to stock up in preparation for their self-imposed quarantine.

  • Toilet paper
  • Butter
  • Dry pasta
  • Hand sanitizer/soap

Meanwhile, there’s plenty of milk, eggs, cheese, and all the things people freak out and stock up on before a tornado. I was also able to get a nice array of fruits and vegetables. Some other things nobody seemed to care about were toothpaste and mouth wash. There were all the usual options there. I’ll never understand how folks make these decisions.

Buttered toilet paper

I was walking around in aww at the desolate, gutted shopping center when we passed the butter section. It was completely gone. All of it. I couldn’t believe butter would be one of the first things to go. As we passed another shopper, I said to my GF, “What the hell are people doing with all this butter and toilet paper?” I could see a smirk on the other shopper’s face as she walked by. I can only imagine she either had the same question, or that she knew the secret cure to coronavirus. Wrapping your face in buttered toilet paper while you sit at home sanitizing your hands repeatedly.

I know people are just doing their best, but sometimes it’s just ridiculous what their best looks like. I mean, we’re gonna have all these preppers sitting around at home with bad breath and gingivitis, hoarding silly things, while normal folks trying to get on with life can’t make a proper pancake.

What’s next

I’ll admit, I have no idea what’s going on and have not been following the news. There are far too many alarmists in the world and I get too irritated listening to their fear mongering. I’m not trying to downplay the disease. It’s serious for part of the world’s population, but I can’t help notice that what little news I have heard relates mostly to the economic impact. There have been a little over 7,000 deaths worldwide, according to the internet, which sucks. If you figure there are almost 8 billion people on earth, that’s around 0.0000875% of us.

I didn’t think to check the condom isle while I was there, but I’d be willing to bet nobody stocked up on those. Too bad.

The MAN Himself

Author of Modern Guitar Method. Also, please listen to my new album. I think it's the best jazz album of 2021 and It's available everywhere!